thing 2 say
funny sayings
As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.
He's as bent as a butchers hook
He's as happy as a Pig in $hit
About as welcome as a fart in a telephone box
About as subtle as a flying brick
She's got more wrinkles than an Elephants scrotum
She's more nervous than a long-tailed dog in a room full of rocking chairs
As tight as a Camels arse in a Sand-storm
She's stroked more wood than a Furniture Polisher.
About as interesting as watching paint dry
Av seen better looking bodies at a scrapyard
I've seen better hands on a clock
As confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market
He's as baffled as Adam on Mothers Day
She's got half the Black Forest hanging out of her armpits
As nervous as a turkey at Christmas
She's seen more ceilings than Michelagelo
She ran off quicker than shit off a shovel
She's as fit as a butchers dog
She's got a face squeezed like a squeezed tea bag
As useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy arse
His nose is snottier than a frog in a blender
Uglier than a hatfull of assholes.
As rare as a brass monkey's bollocks
As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner
This guy is all foam, no beer.
As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
About as useless as a jam sandwidch to a drowning rabbit.
A legend in his own mind...
He's an expert on padded cells.
He couldnae engineer his way outta paper bag!
Witty Quotes
His mouth is a no-go area. It's like kissing the Berlin Wall
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard.
A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstien, but with the attention span of Daffy Duck.
If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.
God does not play dice with the universe.
She is as wholesome as a bowl of cornflakes and at least as sexy.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
He had the compassion of an icicle and the generosity of a pawnbroker.
Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
Breasts like Granite and a brain like Swiss Cheese
The thief of bad gags.
I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born
He's proof that there's life after death.
The only genius with an IQ of 60.
He's so ugly they ought to donate his face to the world wildlife fund.
She's so stupid she returns bowling balls because they've got holes in them.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Can't act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.
An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf.
Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.
He could start a row in an empty house
When Kissinger can get the Nobel Peace Prize, what is there left for satire?
Shaw writes his plays for the ages, the ages between five and twelve.
He is to acting what Liberace was to pumping iron.
What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?
Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.
Come backs
Man: So, how do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too, if you sit down.
Man: Do you want to dance?
Woman: NO
Man: Sorry, I think you misheard me...I said, You Look fat in those pants.
Little Sister: Your Ugly.
You: And your quite good looking...for a Gorilla, that is...
Do you notice how I've kept my youthful complexion?
Yeah, so I see...all spotty
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You are going to yours, and I'm going to mine.
Man: So, what's your sign?
Woman: No Entry
Man: I know how to please a Woman.
Woman: Well, please leave me alone.
Friend: I've just come back from the Beauticians
You: Pity it was closed...
Man: Please whisper those 3 little words that would make my day!
Woman: Go to hell
Friend: I've changed my mind...
You: Excellent, so does the new one work better?
Boss: Employees like that don't grow on trees you know...
You: How true Sir, they normally swing underneath them...
Brother: Why do you smell funny?
You: It's called Soap - don't think you've ever smelt it before...
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a Female Impersonator.
Man: Hey there, haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, and that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Say, haven't we met before?
Woman: Yes, I'm the head Nurse at the VD clinic.
Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: You know, you're dead right...I want you to go away!
Wife: Darling, do you think I'll lose my looks as I get older
You: With luck, yes
Work Colleague: Do you find me entertaining?
You: I reckon you are too dim to entertain a thought
Old Wife: Shall I put the TV on? Old Man: Well it would certainly improve the view in here...
You know, I've been asked to get married over a hundreds times.
Yeah, but your parents don't count...
How many people work in your office?
About half of them
Brother: I love biscuits
You: That's cuz your crackers
You: I reckon you'd make a great exchange student.
Friend: Wow, you really think so?
You: Yes, we might be able to exchange you for someone nice.
